


How to fuck a Magikarp

by Qtaro_Kujo



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pokemon: Magikarp Jump (Video Game)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, Human/Pokemon Sex, Humor, Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:14:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27698153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qtaro_Kujo/pseuds/Qtaro_Kujo
Summary: An educational guide on how to fornicate with your Magikarp.
Relationships: Magikarp/Trainer
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	How to fuck a Magikarp

Now, I know what you're going to say. 

_Fuck a Magikarp? That's what its mouth is for!_

**Wrong.**

Most people who try to have sex with a Magikarp don't do their research beforehand. They read some message written by an edgy teen on 4chan, who "totally" tried the real thing. And then they decide to give it a shot.

The problem is that the one feature of Magikarp that is so often derided throughout the Pokémon trainer community is your greatest threat.

Open your fucking Pokédex. Do it now. What does it say? What is the one move that every Magikarp knows? 

That's right. _Splash._

Magikarp have been seen, on occasion, to use splash to jump over 7 metres. And what do you think is going to happen to your dick _then_ , huh? Magikarp are often described as some of the hardiest Pokémon to ever exist. Get a Magikarp too nervous or excited, and the next thing your pecker's going to poke is an ice bag as you carry it crying to the nearest Pokécenter to be stitched back on. And that's if you're lucky. On average, one trainer every three months suffers permanent reproductive damage in accidents while "handling" Pokémon. 

Don't be that trainer.

Ok, so then how _do_ you fuck a Magikarp?

First, you need to understand how a Magikarp mates in the wild. Unlike humans, Magikarp engage in a mode of reproduction called Ovuliparity. This means that sex involves a male and female releasing sperm and eggs directly into the water. This means fertilization is external. No insertion is involved.

 _But where do I stick my penis?_ I hear you cry out.

You don't, dumbass! Unless you have a mutilation fetish or something, then rip yourself out.

But a lack of insertion doesn't make mating with a Magikarp pointless. Because sticking your penis in a hole isn't what you really want, is it? You can buy a sex toy off of the black market pretty easy if you want something to ram your rod in.

No, what you truly want is intimacy. And that is what engaging in a Magikarp mating ritual can provide. 

Ok, so to begin, you need a shallow pool of water. This is for your own benefit. Mating generally occurs close to the waterbed, so unless you want to invest in a scuba suit, choose a body of water you can at least comfortably stand in. If necessary, buy a snorkel.

Next, the Magikarp. The average Magikarp tends to be nearly 3 feet tall, but your preferences may vary. In general, however, avoid choosing a really small one, as mating could end up being physically impossible. 

The gender of the fish doesn't make a lot of difference -- a male and female Magikarp's external appearance is almost identical. You're way too far down this rabbit hole for your "homosexuality is unnatural" argument to have _any_ ground to stand on.

Finally, Magikarp tend to breed in the spring and summer seasons. People have successfully mated with them in other seasons, but such cases are rare.

When a Magikarp is interested in sex, it will swim around you close to the bottom of the pool. Larger males will tackle others of its species in an attempt to keep you to themselves. 

Your response, in this case, should be to join them and watch them swim an initial mating "dance" of sorts.

After this, the Magikarp will indicate its readiness by coming to a halt next to you. This is when you grab onto your partner and start swimming with them. Adjust the way you hold on to your partner as you see fit, and begin having sex.

Mating normally involves rotating around in circles at the same place in a sixty-nine position, but swimming in large circles in the same direction is also acceptable. 

While mating, you may rub your shaft against the Magikarp's scales. DO NOT attempt insertion - doing so will be painful for both you and your partner. Applying a gentle pressure against the Magikarp's abdomen is highly advisable, and immensely pleasurable for your partner. It is an experience that no member of its species can ever provide and almost guarantees the Magikarp returning for more. 

On average, mating lasts up to 10 minutes after the release of reproductive material begins. 

Once you're done, cuddling your partner can be a deeply rewarding experience. Magikarp mate about once a month, so it's important to make each time count. And your partner will enjoy this too. The idiots who go on about "dead Magikarp eyes" have never seen one post-coitus.

Oh, and once you're done for the day, please disinfect the pool. Keeping a pool of water clean for other trainers is what this community is all about.


End file.
